Feminism, Peanut Butter, and Burning Man

Photo by Antoine Téchenet

I attended Burning Man for the first time this past year. No, I didn’t run around naked. No, I didn’t spend the week on a crazy drug trip. No, I didn’t chant and commune with the desolate Nevadan desert.

I laughed hysterically. I did yoga. I climbed inside of a Trojan Horse and took a shot of absinthe. I attended a laughter yoga class. I danced. I tried speed dating. I admired breath-taking art work.

What I did not anticipate was the intense feeling of belonging I experienced. 50,000 people came together and created a space that lacked judgment and encouraged respect. The first of the 10 Principles of Burning Man is “Radical Inclusion: Anyone may be a part of Burning Man. We welcome and respect the stranger. No prerequisites exist for participation in our community.” It’s not that everyone memorized these principles before showing up at Burning Man. A friend suggested that the community is an accidental by-product of the event. I chatted with a 6-foot tall pink rabbit while a magic carpet drove by. Absurdity is a great way to shed inhibitions.

What is community, and how do we create it?

I’m part of an urban-biking community, a feminist community, a yoga community, an I-can-quote-Calvin-and-Hobbes community, etc. There are religious communities and political communities. All of these micro communities bond around a common belief or sentiment or interest. These are often the places we find our closest friends. I’m not advocating the abolishment of these communities, but I would like to simultaneously cultivate a broader community that is defined by inclusiveness.

Elements that I think about when I think about community: Respect. Self-expression. Safety. Security. Vulnerability. Inclusiveness. Connection. Compassion. Authenticity.

None of these are dependent on a shared belief system.

During a late night college talk a friend and I were discussing our passions. I predicted that feminism would be an unwavering interest of mine throughout my life. He named peanut butter.

In a country that seems to be increasingly divided and increasingly hostile to anyone whose beliefs are different, we should be actively cultivating respectful disagreement. I don’t want to convert people (okay, I sometimes do), but I really want to understand why someone believes what they believe.

Maybe community starts with something as simple as peanut butter.

Guest Blogging Alert

Yes, I know I am long overdue for a post. There’s one in the works, I promise.

In the meantime, check out what I wrote for my friend, Leona. She’s running a series of interviews about people’s expectations of what they thought their life would look like when they were 17 and how it actually turned out.  (Spoiler: my life is not what I planned.)

Stay tuned for some thoughts on gender equality and Burning Man.

 

Pole Dancing and Feminism

I danced on a pole last night. In front of an audience. At a fundraiser for the local battered women’s shelter.

My palms were sweaty and my timing was off.

But I danced on a pole. In extremely short shorts. I strutted and wiggled and spun. People watched.

I’ve been rehearsing for five weeks, and I’ve been revising this blog post for about the same amount of time. Is this a feminist act—to get in touch with a very sensual side of myself in a culture that does not celebrate sensuality? Or am I just participating in the promotion of women as sexual objects?

I have answered yes to both of these questions. It depends on the day.

I grew up trying to keep up with two older brothers on the ski slopes, the hiking trails, and the bike paths. I loved feeling strong. I shunned anything frilly. I feel comfortable in my strength and my intellect. But my sensuality and my sexuality have always felt like a foreign land where I don’t speak the language.

The most challenging thing I’ve done in pole dancing classes is learn how to walk. Sticking out my chest and letting my hips sway as I walked across the room terrified me. Still does.

I walk out of class feeling happy, strong, tall, and sexy. I feel like I know myself in new ways, and I’m becoming a more well-rounded person. For me, pole dancing is a step toward having a healthy relationship with my body.

Class with a group of friendly, supportive women is one thing. Performing in front of an audience is another. I do not feel good about being watched. Our culture is saturated with pornography and hyper-sexualized images, and most Americans have a very conflicted view of sex and sexuality. Learning to admire women’s strength and sexiness without turning them into sexual objects is a skill to be learned, and an especially challenging one in our current cultural climate.

Comments overheard that make me want to scream:

“Oh, this must make your boyfriend so happy.”

“How can you be single when you’re taking pole dancing classes?”

“This is all about women’s empowerment.”

I pole dance for me. Not to please or impress or woo anyone. It’s for me. Period.

Empowerment is about taking away all of the patriarchal constraints that make women second class citizens. It is not about dancing around a pole.

To all of the men who want to emotionally support women exploring pole dancing: Good luck.

Just try not to be an ass.

Rape Prevention…For Real

This goes out to all of you who were taught to carry a whistle and to dress “appropriately” and not to walk alone at night and to behave like a good girl. What nobody told you is that it’s not you who needs to modify your life, it’s him.

Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed To Work!

Pedaling My Way to a Feminist Utopia

Biking is fun.

I feel healthy when I bike.

I like pedaling up hills.

I like to feel the wind in my hair.

I like to feel my heart beat faster as I pedal harder.

I like the fact that I’m promoting feminism on my bike.

Yes, you read that correctly. Seriously.

While I love a long ride on my road bike, I’m talking about the biking I do when I opt for my bike over my car. City biking. Urban biking. Commuter biking. The times when I bike to work, happy hour, the grocery store, the coffee shop, the farmer’s market, Scrabble competitions, pro-choice rallies, or my favorite shoe shop. Bicycle as transportation rather than recreation.

When I choose to bike rather than to drive, I don’t buy gasoline. I step away from our country’s dependence on oil. Less dependence on oil means less war to protect our access to oil. I learn what a life without car ownership might look like. I don’t think about buying the lastest fancy car. I think of lifestyle changes I can make to sell my car and rent a vehicle as needed for road trips. With the money I could save by not owning a car, I could travel more often. Travel expands global perspective and promotes compassion among diverse people. (Yes, the fuel needed to travel internationally reinforces our dependence on oil, but I would argue that the value of exploring another culture is greater than the damage done by flying. And yes, I recognize the valid argument against that.)

When I bike around town, I’m healthy and happy. When I’m healthy and happy, I have the energy to fight for the causes that are important to me, like promoting the bicycle as a means of transportation. And then I get happy all over again.

Commuting by bicycle promotes community. People make friendly comments about the fake flowers decorating my bike basket. I stop and say hello to friends. I might start a conversation with someone at a stop light. Being on a bike allows for the possibility of human interaction that just isn’t possible in a car. And human interaction promotes respect among people with differing beliefs. The more respect, the less vitriol and violence. Civil and respectful communication promotes friendships which promote more engaged citizens which promote a healthy community.

And voilà! Feminist utopia here we come.

Sexism…It’s Not Just for Women

What Every Man Thinks About Apart From Sex became a bestseller on Amazon.com this week.

The book consists of 200 blank pages.

Funny?  I think…not so much.

In a culture where excuses are made for rape, joking about men’s supposed obsession with sex is just not very funny. Our culture produces movies based on the *crazy* idea that a man can live for 40 days without sex (spoiler: he survives), reality T.V. shows that portray women who value wealthy men more than a healthy relationship, and advertising that is saturated with half-naked women.

When one of the more popular books on relationship advice suggests that men and women are from different planets, the stereotype that men think about sex all the time leads to the stereotype that women have no sex drive.

It’s time to give everyone more credit.

Some women think about sex a lot and some men don’t think about it much. Generalizations based on genetalia are just silly.

Why You’re Not Married (For Men)

Tracy McMillan wrote an article for the Huffington Post titled ‘Why You’re Not Married.’  It was a message for women to change their selfish ways if they ever hoped to find happiness. I actually thought it was satirical the first time I read it. No one could be THAT sexist, right? (The sexism goes both ways.) I took the liberty of taking her article and switching the gender roles. You will find the result below. All I can say is: Whoa.

To all the single men in my life, listen up!

You want to get married. It’s taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud — even in your mind — feels kind of desperate, kind of unmasculine, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you’re hardly like those guys in romantic comedies who always end up  in the committed relationship.

You’ve never dreamt of getting down on one knee.

Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your best friend’s wedding. He asked you to be a groomsman, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a fedora. You started to hate your best friend — he was so effing happy — and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you’re not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering… Deep, deep breath… Why you’re not married.

Well, I know why.

I won’t lie. The problem is not women, it’s you. Sure, there are lame women out there, but they’re not really standing in your way. Because the fact is — if whatever you’re doing right now was going to get you married, you’d already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let’s look at the top six reasons why you’re not married.

1. You’re an Ass.
Here’s what I mean by ass. I mean you’re angry. You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries. But the truth is you’re pissed. At your dad. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring women off.

The deal is: most women just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the father of a 13-year-old girl, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a wife. Here’s what my daughter wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a tutu, and Justin Bieber. Have you ever seen Justin Bieber angry? I didn’t think so. You’ve seen Justin Bieber smile, wiggle, and sing ‘Never Say Never’. Male anger terrifies women. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a woman’s fear and insecurity in order to get married — but actually, it’s perfect, since working around a woman’s fear and insecurity is a big part of what you’ll be doing as a husband.

2. You’re Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a wife, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a woman’s character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you’re not married, I already know it isn’t. Because if you were looking for a woman of character, you would have found one by now. Women of character are, by definition, willing to commit.

Instead, you are looking for someone blonde. Or rich. Or someone who knows this year’s NBA lineup. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a husband. This is the thinking of a teenaged boy. And women of character do not want to marry teenaged boys. Because teenage boys are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.

3. You’re a Stud.
Hooking up with some woman in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the guys of Jersey Shore — but they’re not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you’re having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin — it doesn’t stay recreational for long.

That’s due in part to this thing called testosterone — a hormone that, in excess, makes men crazy– that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It’s why you can be f**k-buddying with some lady who isn’t even all that great and the next thing you know, you’re totally strung out on her. And you have no idea how it happened. Testosterone, that’s how it happened. And since nature can’t discriminate between marriage material and a Playboy bunny, you’re going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.

4. You’re a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a woman who is cute and likes you, but she’s not really available for a relationship. She has some condition that absolutely precludes her availability, like she’s married, or she gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe she just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, “I’m not really available for a relationship right now.”

You know if you tell her the truth — that you’re ready for marriage — she will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don’t want that. So you just tell her how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don’t want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!

About ten minutes later, the testosterone kicks in. You start feeling a little crazy. But you don’t tell her that. That’s your secret — just between you and 22,000 of your closest friends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with her, waiting for her to figure out that she can’t live without you. I have news: she will never “figure” this out. She already knows she can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn’t be lying to her in the first place.

5. You’re Selfish.
If you’re not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your biceps, your car, your slowly graying hair. You think about your career, or if you don’t have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy woman — or at least a woman with a really, really good job — would solve all your problems.

Howevs, a good husband, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of his day thinking about himself. He has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity men getting wives after they adopt. The kids put the man on notice: Dude, hello! It’s not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than himself, suddenly, Princess Charming comes along and decides to significantly other him. Which is also to say — if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your wife will be along shortly. Fatherhood hood has a way of weeding out the smooth-talking ladies just looking for a one-night stand.

6. You’re Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don’t think that. You do. I can tell because you’re not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.

Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since men who don’t know their own worth make terrible husbands. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won’t love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart women know this.

I see this at my daughter’s artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have dads who are as hot as you’re trying to be. They’re attractive, sure. They’re just not objects. Their wives (wisely) chose them for their character, not their six-pack abs.

Alright, so that’s the bad news. The good news is that I believe every man who wants to can find a great partner. You’re just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won’t. Once the initial high wears off, you’ll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.

Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something — it’s about giving it. Strangely, women understand this more than men do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession — a free-agent vagina– and for men, it’s the culmination of a prince fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.

The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don’t deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating woman will not be doing what you want her to. But as you give her love anyway — because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self — you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:

Love.